God redeems

Last night was a rough night. I was exhausted, couldn't sleep throughout the day, and in a lot of pain. I kept thinking of the what the X-ray will look like of my back for the rest of my life...  in all honesty, I didn't like it.

I was frustrated with the ramifications of the implants and my body has not adapted to the impulses the implant gives me so I am tingling like crazy inside of my body and if i make a certain movement my whole body is zapped (it doesn't hurt/harm me- don't worry). I kept thinking about the what ifs... and for those of you who know me, soon has I get onto the what ifs in my life (which has some major factors of my life constantly up in the air) it's not going anywhere good. haha

Last night I think was the first time I really registered what my body will be like (aka full of metal and wires ha). I thought of all the possible precautions that i may have to take. I finally decided after talking to Jen that I needed to go to bed. As I laid in bed I prayed to feel better about everything in the morning; for me to be "strong" again. I ended up calling Siobhan and she helped calm me down. Whenever I would wake up in the middle of the night I'd just start crying.

 My outlook on what defines a "strong'' person has really been changing these past couple of years. For 4 years (going on 5) I have been told countless times that I am strong; "you're the strongest women i know," or "your strength is so encouraging." And I thought they said that because I acted like I had it all together in front of them. Or they were under the impression that I wasn't bothered or affected by what was going on in my life. I'd shove down my feelings for years, not letting anyone see me cry... Then came college hahaha

I live/d in the dorms; privacy is pretty much no existent there. People started seeing me cry when I was in a lot of pain or upset about what I can't do. But to my surprise they embraced it. I had friends who wanted to be there for me, and you know what? The comments about how strong I was most often came from those who saw me at my weakest. (Special shout out to Jen, Jase, Claire, Alexa, Hannah and Ryan-you guys helped me so much last year)

I've realized feelings come. Life happens. It matters how you respond to the trials. A verse that my unofficial "big brother" (Pher) gave me was; Jesus wept (John 11:35). Jesus is the strongest human to ever walk this earth and He cried when he needed to. It's what you do after you cry that really matters. Jesus obeyed God, gave Him complete submission. That's what I attempt to do, and THAT's what people admire and are encouraged by.

So when I woke up, I knew I needed to spend time talking  to God and dealing with my feelings. Slowly throughout the morning I could see God changing my perspective. I prayed, watched first free's sermon and was so encouraged by God. He has given me an adventure because I have no idea what my life is going to look like, but He has it all worked out for me. I've been able to fix my eyes on Him this morning and I'm doing so much better.